MMMMMBOP

" I used to think Taylor Hanson was hot till I found out he was a boy"

Misunderstandings

" I don't want to toot my own horn but I could do that"
" What did you say?"
 " Toot . My. Own. Horn."
" ohhh. For some reason I thought you said 'I don't like two AM porn' "
" No no ... I like that``

So politically correct.

" You can't look like a deaf person"
" Sure you can..... you know with the dog and the dark glasses. Sometimes with a cane"
" I said deaf person....."
" I know"
"Why the fuck would they need a dog?"
"........ oh"

standards

" Everyone likes a hairy guy, nobody likes a fat hairy guy"

broken hearted

" Empty boxes.... they're just like broken promises"

French.

" How do you say 'go' in french"
".......awe shit" ( doesn't remember)
" ahhwww shiittt??     Ohh shitte?"

Science

" That pea looks like its germinating"
" I don't know what that is but if its anything like the Terminator that's pretty sweet"

Only the best

"There is nothing better than an uncomfortable English man"

Kitchen diets

" I don't know if that's for eating..... but it's there so I'm going to eat it"

The little mermaid

" It's a terrible message to kids all it proves is that you have to change for your man and literally make a deal with the devil"

" It also proves that the less you talk the more you get"

Crepes

" It's like the french burrito"

The English accent. ( I had too )

I have the worst time with accents. Most of the time if I don't understand what people are saying to me I can get away with smiling and nodding. Then later pretending that I forgot when  asked about it later. Other times I just can't escape. For example a conversation between my British sous chef and myself.

-Do you know what a vicar is? ( British accent)
- No. What is a vicar? ( Canadian accent)
-  Its a "pasta"
- .......... like spaghetti?
-  NO NO pastaa
- .......... ( at this point I am beyond confused and by the look on my face he can tell that I am not getting it. Both of us slightly embarrassed he proceeds to do his best Canadian accent

 -PAASTOORRR

New car

" New girlfriends are like new cars. They look good, smell nice. You're not sure how they are going to drive but you are definitely going for a ride"

smells so good

" There is nothing better then the smell of fried food and vagina. Like when you are at the stampede with that fried food smell and a group of hot girls walk by. That is the best smell in the world........except maybe freshly cut grass"

Solid

" She was a solid eight or seven and a half"
"You cant have a solid eight AND a solid seven and a half. It's ether a solid eight or a solid seven and a half"

Breakups

" At first it's sadness and then it's anger

Fuck everybody I want me some vagina!!!!"

Dreams ( sarcasm)

" It's every pastry chefs dream to be the one who cuts the cake"

Do You Like Wind Farms?

Are you a big fan?

Sums up my social life.

" Stop scaring me like that!!"

" I can't help it I'm just naturally creepy"

Bubble Bath Girls

"You can fuck anyone you want with a little gumshin in your hand"

Talking to the Food ( draft )

All cooks talk to the food. All of them. If there is a cook reading this thinking " I don't talk to food" stop it, you talk to the food. Sixty five percent of the time it doesn't come out in words but thoughts. Regardless the idea of a conversation with an inanimate object is there.

 For the most part it's just like talking to a five year old or a family pet. Lots of encouragement and gentle coaxing.

" Come on now egg, no yolk breaking, nooo yolk breaking.... good job"

This often turns into less gentle coaxing and more demanding

" NO BREAKING!"


But when things don't go the way they were supposed to the conversation quickly takes a turn.

" You whore!"

And when everything else has failed and the whole thing goes to shit things start to get personal.

" YOU MOTHER FUCKER I CANT BELIEVE THAT JUST FUCKIN HAPPENED. I HATE YOU ... YOU'RE STUPID"




And the food just sits there taking it the whole time................. what a whore.

And that my friends is a fact.

" Yea, when he is pushing your head down to far you just blow on the tip..... Cause it hurts when you do that"

Love muscles

" A penis is not a dick"

Mountain Tops

" Ever masturbated at the top of a mountain?"

Lululemon Pants.

" Do you like Lululemon pants"

All of the guys at once " YES"

"It puts a woman in a league down here to a league up here...."

" It's like a bra for your ass"

The Cat Came Back

Back in the kitchen back to the blog.