The waitress made her rent today.......

I made more money my first day of being a waitress then I would have spending two 8 hour days at work in the kitchen. ( Mind you I had to split it with the girl who was training me but still). For her that amount was "average". I worked less than six hours and spent most of my time making coffee, being horribly confused about the specials and forgetting to ask people if they wanted white or brown toast with their omelettes.
It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, but then again I've never been in a situation where I'm forced to talk to people. It's not as hard as cooking though.
If there is one thing I hate about restaurants it's that the front of house makes more money than back of house. ( usually). Back of house gets paid hourly it doesn't matter if its slow or fast cooks get paid for the hours they work. Wait staff on the other hand get paid minimum wage so it doesn't matter to them if they stay  for an hour or all day what matters is the number of tables coming in and how much those tables are willing to spend. Obviously bigger tables means more tips.
It drives me crazy. Kitchen will maybe get 20 percent of the total tips coming from the front and that 20 percent has to be split between the people who where working that shift. ( some restaurants its more, some less...... some don't even tip their kitchen) That means if one waiter makes $200 in tips that night the kitchen gets 40 dollars.... split that 40 dollars with five people and they each go home with a whopping 8 dollars. While the person who ran the food makes $160 plus their hourly wages. What a joke.

Water beds ( the things they say)

"They're awesome you only need to pump once and then ride the waves"
"Same with fat girls"

A cooks promise.

About as trust able as kitchen secrets. Its not that they don't have every intention of following through on what they say they are going to do, people just get busy. It's very rare that  a cook does what he/she promised to do. If they do it was probably very important. An example would be learning a new plating or showing how to properly make something for the first time. Other than that cook promises are pretty empty.

Everyone is very understanding though, Chefs included. There have been a number of times where Chef asks me to do something that I just don't do. It's never because I don't want to, kitchen work is full of jobs I don't want to do, I just get so wrapped in what I am doing that I forget. I don't usually get in trouble though, unless it was something important like turning down the stock. I imagine it would be the same for everyone else when they don't do something they said they would. It's never a matter of being malicious it just happens.

Climbing a Mountain (the things they say 13)

"I've always wanted to sleep with a girl taller than me. It'd be like climbing a mountain..........I'd be honored."

Maybe not so smart cooks???

"One percent of 500 is 50 right?"

Blowjobs (the things they say 12)

"No man it's like pizza. Even when it's bad it's still just pizza"

"Ya, but it's Bad pizza"

(The things they say 11)

"I want some coffee in my body...........

Like I want to be in yours."

Kitchen Song Birds.

They sing. Oh my god they sing so much. Some days it feels like I'm in a musical they sing so much. And in harmony too! (if they aren't singing to the radio) If it's not singing its whistling, although that does get old pretty fast. Everything from Phil Collins to acoustic versions of rap songs. Plus the songs they can make up when no one can think of any. It's awesome.

Proves that all you  need to make music is a little bit of guts and some air guitar.

Awe they do have emotions ( the things they say 10)

"Out of all of them I think the Pokemon movie was the most emotional. I cried in that one"

"......Jesus man"

Negative Nancy ( the things they say 9)

" I'm not being negative!! 

You're just an asshole" 

Stupid Cooks – the common misconception

           One of the first warnings I got about restaurant jobs was from my family, the warning was simply not to work in kitchens.  I was, quote, “smarter than that”. I later found out that it wasn't just my family being pretentious but that most people do have negative opinions about kitchen worker intelligence, especially full time cooks. Telling people I cook full time versus telling them I cook part time and go to school, generally get very different responses. It is understandable, however, that those statements do get different responses. The stereotype of the drinking, swearing, partying, living pay check to pay check cook isn't that far off. But lifestyle choice doesn't have much to do with intelligence.  Talk to most people who work in restaurants and find out that they are not dumb at all. Egotistical, weird , conceited,  awkward or just socially inept most likely, but definitely not dumb.

                It always ranges of course and like every job for one genius there is always one dumb ass. But just because dumb ass can’t cook doesn't make him stupid. (and for the most part if dumb ass can’t learn to  cook he’s not going to stick around for long)

                   Most of the people in kitchens come from other lines of work and education; marketing, sociology, music majors etc .   I worked with a guy who dropped out of second year engineering school to be a cook. (Not going to lie if I was educationally inclined enough to be an engineer I would just stick with that shit.) They don’t do it because it’s easier than school or it makes more money (believe me on this one) it’s simply a matter of doing what they want. That doesn't make anyone stupid. 

Steps to low kitchen self esteem

Number 1: Realizing how replaceable you are.
Number 2: Realizing how replaceable everyone else is.

stupid things people order (1)

" Gravlax and a well done salmon"

Love..... whats Love? ( The things they say 8)

" There is no such thing as a girlfriend, it's just your turn"

Ego rant

I don't really know what it's really all about but cooks with egos are always the worst at their job. To be fair they aren’t completely awful but for the amount of shit they brag about and how often (and loudly) they critique others you would expect a lot more than mediocrity from them.

            It’s not just the loud ones who have egos though. They’re just the ones who aren’t afraid to say what they are thinking. Nor are they afraid to sound condescending while saying whatever the ego is saying. It seems everyone who works in a kitchen has some sort of ego going around (pastry chefs and dishwashers included in this one. Although dishwashers are usually the first to notice that nobody cares about their dishwashing abilities) Ego is not usually a bad thing in a kitchen though. It’s important to be confident that what you are doing is right or will at least get the job done. Most of the time arrogance is a great way to learn in kitchens. If there is something that cooks love it’s telling someone how wrong they are doing something and then showing them the right way to do it. It’s actually pretty cute. Team work right?
           
On the other side of things a cook’s arrogance can be just plain fucking annoying. Mostly because it leads to some pretty retarded ideas about things, as it is usually the person who complains the loudest who gets their way.

Some of the things they guys brag about are pretty amusing though. Work is a constant “I’m better than you because” game with the boys. [   I play it to I’m just not as good as they are =P.]   The other day some of the guys were talking about how fast they can bike. One of them stated that he usually bikes around 50km/h. I don’t know if anyone reading this cycles  a lot but speedometer states that I can get up to 35- 40k pedaling like I’m on crack DOWNHILL and that feels scary fast.  Wtf you guys, wtf.   


[I can honestly say the constant alpha male battle is because there are too many dominant males in the same vicinity. In case you really wanted to get psychoanalytical about it. =)   ]

Pastry cooks ( the things they say 7)

" I don't like giving head it hurts my teeth"

First impressions (The things they say 6)

" You look like the type of man who would have sex with a pile of well lubricated rocks"

Crazy Dishwashers.

Not saying that they are all crazy, but for the most part they are pretty fucking weird.  Dishwashing is a group on its own. Not really a part of back of house and definitely not a part of front of house.  The whole restaurant depends on them equally though. It’s impossible to run a kitchen without dishes.

               

They have their own set of rules as well.  I feel as though dishwashers are all part of the same cult.  (The same weird and hilarious cult). They are probably the group of people that can get away with the most in a kitchen. If a dishwasher doesn't work out not a big deal just call another one. Someone always wants to work.  If they do however, have to work and don’t want to it’s pretty easy to tell. And some of the things they pull to not work are quite amusing. 

In the first restaurant I worked in the dishwasher was the scariest man I had ever/and will ever meet.  He was about six, six, 50 years old with horrible posture, a face made out of leather, earrings, and the worst teeth imaginable. (Something like a pirate, but a real pirate none of that Disney shit.) He was also bat shit crazy.  For lunch he would have two pieces of chocolate cheesecake covered with whipped cream and whatever else cold side could find to put on there.  EVERYDAY.  The more random the stuff put on top the better. We once hid chicken in between the cheesecake and the whipped cream..... He loved it.  One day he called into work saying that he didn’t want to come in but without a valid excuse the sous chef told him he had to. While at work he asked about every hour if he could go home. After a million “no’s “ he resorted to the only thing that was left to do........ He shit himself.  Full on grown man pooping his pants to get out of work.  The best part is he tried to keep it a secret from the rest of the kitchen but everyone knows about secrets and kitchens.  And for the record they had to send him home after that one.

It’s probably a job requirement to be crazy in order to wash dishes.  From the guy singing the piano parts of Lady Gaga to me while I’m prepping to the girl asking me to make up a story to tell her while we close, It’s all very strange and a little endearing

Sleeping with the hostess (the things they say)

"Im gunna fuck the hostess tonight, I can tell"

"oh yea? How can you tell?"

"I got a hard on when I was talking to her"

being a vegetarian

Impossible. Unless working at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant. Tasting for seasoning, cooking time, or just finding out what duck tastes like (delicious in case anyone was wondering). Been a vegetarian for three years and I've been cooking for two. Its only been this past couple months that I've actually started to open up to meat a little ( so far duck is a favourite as well as deer, bison and rabbit......chicken is still disgusting though.....pleh) Being a vegetarian and a cook means leaving my vegetarianism at the door while at work and making my own staff meal. 

This post was pointless =) 

Kitchen Secrets.

For the most part it’s not even worth the trouble.  Secrets in kitchens basically don’t exist. (And if they do it’s really only a matter of time before people start to figure shit out).  If there is one thing kitchen boys love to do its gossip. (Trust me they are worse than the girls). A private conversation with one co-worker will all of a sudden be known by another co-worker and so forth. (pretty sure everyone knows how gossip works) Even if there was no private conversation and a co-worker just happens to guess what is going on it is pretty much impossible to lie to them.

                

Think of it this way. I work on average six days a week 8 hour shifts. Usually with the same group of guys who are also working the schedule.   That means that I’m spending close to 50 hours a week with these people. More time then I will spend at home with family, seeing friends, sleeping etc etc.  Needless to say everybody gets to know each other pretty well.  Trying to hide something from those people is a bit like lying to your grandmother. Do able but shitty.

                

It’s hardly ever a bad thing though. Most of the time the secrets weren't even worth keeping and everybody just laughs them off.

 or maybe it’s just so awkward that everyone has to...........

Being on time for work.

For most jobs being late means being yelled at or being punished in some degrading way. Working in this particular kitchen being late means nothing other than some slight humiliation.

" Look what the cat dragged in"
" Doll, do you know how to tell time?"
" Where you been dog??"

You could be two hours late for work and as long as the prep is done before service no one cares. In fact, it's mostly humorous to every one but you, as you are the one freaking out because you are late. There is nothing worse than realizing you have to prep something that takes three hours when you only have two ( for most of the time if you cheat enough you can do it in one he he ).

.... and this is one of the reasons why I love my job.

The difference between wax paper and parchment paper...

FIRE!!!

god damn hipsters ( things they say 4)

"He was awful. I had to leave halfway through!"
"What are you talking about? Hipsters don't give head"

Not trusting the fat cooks

" If you're fat you're not working hard or fast enough "

" What if you're skinny?"

" Then you're doing to many drugs "

Why cooks cant sleep with cooks

" You know what happens when cooks sleep with cooks? .......... The world ends" 

It was almost as bad ( if not worse) than what would happen if you didn't season or put herbs in the food. Cooks sleeping with cooks is probably the most taboo topic in the kitchen. If not the only taboo topic in the kitchen. Wait staff, dishwashers, and pastry chefs (for the most part) excluded of course.

When a cook is sleeping with another fellow cook it's not really the end of the world ( or your job) it's just really awkward. And I mean really fucking awkward. Imagine making a one night (maybe three nights) mistake and having to look that mistake in the eye the next day and ask them to show you how to properly roll a torchon. Not only are you both trying to get over what the other person looks like naked,  you are probably exhausted, sore, and still drunk from the night before. ( Not saying I've ever come to work still drunk........). The worst part is  if you want to save the both of you from humility you can't tell anyone. Which just makes it more awkward as the two of you are trying your best to make it seem like nothing happened and everything is normal blah blah blah.

It will take a good two weeks before you both decide to "forget" about what happens. Even then you are better off ignoring that person for as long as humanly possible

(There is also the topic of dating or repeatedly sleeping with co-workers but that's another post)

fucking the fat girl (things they say 4)

S: "You wouldn't even have to put it in if she was sweaty enough"

T: " Yea man just make her make her lean on her side, get in those rolls"

C: " She'd still get pregnant " 

cialis bro! (the things they say 3)

" I fucked her like a hooker"

There's a reason I called it sex and sandwiches.

Went out for beers yesterday with the boys.  Within ten minutes of  getting drinks they were already going off about sex and food.

" If sex is a ten on the scale a sandwich would be a nine"

I think the best quote of the night was the explanation that when a girl doesn't want to have sex all you have to do is simply get out of bed, make yourself a sandwich, return to bed (with the sandwich), and ask her if she wants a bight.

" She will be so confused because you didn't try to fuck her that thats all she will want to do after"

..... riiiigggght boys because a sandwich always puts a lady in the mood ;)

The Things They Say (2)

"Ever video tape your face while masturbating in the woods? Ya know just to see what it looks like"

".......... dude"

Sex and Sandwiches

           Really the only two topics you need to hold a conversation in this kitchen ( or any kitchen). It's the two topics everyone can relate to. Still a virgin? Talk about sandwiches. Don't like sandwiches? everyone likes sex. Can't talk? Make a sandwich, everyone is going to love you regardless.

The two go hand in hand. There isn't a day where I don't think about one or the other. The only thing better than sex or sandwiches is sex and sandwiches. 

(like a boss)

The things they say.

"Ever wash your dick in a sink........ at the bar?"

"Nope."

"You haven't been single long enough."



Sleeping With The Hostess.

"What do the cooks do when the waitresses aren't around?"

"The hostess"

I've heard that one in almost every place that I've worked in. It's only funny because its kind of true. If the guys aren't talking about the hostess its because she is 17 or its dude. In which case they expect me to talk about him or make a big deal when do I talk to him.
"Stop flirting with the hosts"            (For the record I was not flirting)

I think one of the main reasons for womanizing the hostess so much is that they don't hear about it. She is always in the front and cooks are always in the back. (      ehhh ehhhh ;)     ) The only time the guys even see the hostess is when she is polishing cutlery. Even then she is as clueless to what goes on in the kitchen as we are to what goes on on the floor.

If I had a nickel for everytime Shafty said "Im gunna do that" I'd have a dollar. And she only started three days ago.

Last Nights Makeup

           It was the only way chef knew I was hungover. Hot kitchens aren't exactly the place for sticky mascara and lipstick. I never wear makeup to work and it's always so obvious when I don't wash it off. It only takes one person to comment on my painted face before the questions start.
"Wow! You kind of look human. Where did you go last night? Did you sleep in those clothes? What's his name?"           
 ( It always looked better the morning after too. Kind of a sleek heroin girl look. If I ever decide to go anywhere before noon I think I'm just going to put on my makeup the night before)

If the makeup wasn't a pretty good "last night" indicator I have this weird habit of not wearing undergarments when I'm hungover.
"Why are you wearing the large chef jacket?"

......so weird but so wonderful.