Being on time for work.

For most jobs being late means being yelled at or being punished in some degrading way. Working in this particular kitchen being late means nothing other than some slight humiliation.

" Look what the cat dragged in"
" Doll, do you know how to tell time?"
" Where you been dog??"

You could be two hours late for work and as long as the prep is done before service no one cares. In fact, it's mostly humorous to every one but you, as you are the one freaking out because you are late. There is nothing worse than realizing you have to prep something that takes three hours when you only have two ( for most of the time if you cheat enough you can do it in one he he ).

.... and this is one of the reasons why I love my job.

The difference between wax paper and parchment paper...

FIRE!!!

god damn hipsters ( things they say 4)

"He was awful. I had to leave halfway through!"
"What are you talking about? Hipsters don't give head"

Not trusting the fat cooks

" If you're fat you're not working hard or fast enough "

" What if you're skinny?"

" Then you're doing to many drugs "

Why cooks cant sleep with cooks

" You know what happens when cooks sleep with cooks? .......... The world ends" 

It was almost as bad ( if not worse) than what would happen if you didn't season or put herbs in the food. Cooks sleeping with cooks is probably the most taboo topic in the kitchen. If not the only taboo topic in the kitchen. Wait staff, dishwashers, and pastry chefs (for the most part) excluded of course.

When a cook is sleeping with another fellow cook it's not really the end of the world ( or your job) it's just really awkward. And I mean really fucking awkward. Imagine making a one night (maybe three nights) mistake and having to look that mistake in the eye the next day and ask them to show you how to properly roll a torchon. Not only are you both trying to get over what the other person looks like naked,  you are probably exhausted, sore, and still drunk from the night before. ( Not saying I've ever come to work still drunk........). The worst part is  if you want to save the both of you from humility you can't tell anyone. Which just makes it more awkward as the two of you are trying your best to make it seem like nothing happened and everything is normal blah blah blah.

It will take a good two weeks before you both decide to "forget" about what happens. Even then you are better off ignoring that person for as long as humanly possible

(There is also the topic of dating or repeatedly sleeping with co-workers but that's another post)

fucking the fat girl (things they say 4)

S: "You wouldn't even have to put it in if she was sweaty enough"

T: " Yea man just make her make her lean on her side, get in those rolls"

C: " She'd still get pregnant " 

cialis bro! (the things they say 3)

" I fucked her like a hooker"

There's a reason I called it sex and sandwiches.

Went out for beers yesterday with the boys.  Within ten minutes of  getting drinks they were already going off about sex and food.

" If sex is a ten on the scale a sandwich would be a nine"

I think the best quote of the night was the explanation that when a girl doesn't want to have sex all you have to do is simply get out of bed, make yourself a sandwich, return to bed (with the sandwich), and ask her if she wants a bight.

" She will be so confused because you didn't try to fuck her that thats all she will want to do after"

..... riiiigggght boys because a sandwich always puts a lady in the mood ;)

The Things They Say (2)

"Ever video tape your face while masturbating in the woods? Ya know just to see what it looks like"

".......... dude"